Healthy Boundaries are Necessary
Hello Dear Ones,
This week, I’m giving a talk about boundaries so it’s a subject top of mind for me.
I want to first share one of my favorite resources with you, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This book taught me so much about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. She has some incredible exercises and insights and even a workbook to partner with the book.
I’m going to be honest, the hardest part of the book for me was feeling super called out when she addressed healthy boundaries to have with ourselves.
As a person with natural people-pleasing tendencies, setting boundaries with myself and keeping them wasn’t something I’ve historically been comfortable with. For years, I’ve felt like it was selfish to prioritize taking care of my needs before the needs of others. I struggled regularly with self-sabotaging and self-betrayal behaviors.
Here’s what I know now, it’s necessary for me to care for myself before I can care for anyone else. When I don’t properly care for myself, or honor the boundaries I’ve set or know I want to set with others, I feel resentful and out of integrity with myself.
I also have cultivated awareness for times when I may be self-sabotaging or behaving inauthentically. These are behaviors that were my default for years, so the undoing of them takes time, intentional energy, and a lot of mindfulness and reflection.
It’s been a long road to get to where I am now, and our boundary needs aren't fixed. They change and expand just as our needs do, so the skills are constantly being flexed and practiced. It takes courage, determination, and a strong foundation of self confidence to be able to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
I can also tell you, there hasn’t been a more rewarding feeling than honoring my own boundaries. It can still be uncomfortable in the moment, but the rush of pride I get from honoring myself and what I know I need is a true gift.
It’s not only helped me trust myself, I know it’s improved my relationships all around.
Melody Beattie has this passage in the book I’m reading daily this year, The Language of Letting Go:
“We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds and we know where we stand with them.
Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they’re feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.
Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.
It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.”
How can you be more compassionately direct with yourself and those you’re in relationships with? What boundaries do you need right now in your life, with yourself or those around you?
I’d love to hear from you if this resonated. I know this is a challenging topic for many, and if you’re a person who could use some help navigating and establishing healthy boundaries, let's talk.
I’d be honored if you would please share this with someone you know could use some help with setting boundaries with themselves or others in their lives.
I’m so grateful to be with you on this journey, thank you for allowing me the space in your inbox twice a month. 🙂
With love and kindness,
Jessica
P.S.
The fun thing I am doing to take care of myself is reinstating J.F.F. time. My wonderful friend Flip Flip introduced me to. J.F.F. time, which stands for Just For Fun. It’s time you spend doing things that are fun and bring you joy and serve no other purpose. Today my J.F.F. time will be spent reading in my hammock. What can you do for yourself today that’s just for fun dear one?
